And You Are?

Knowing thyself and the importance of ritual

I’m neck-deep in video projects. I was inspired to post this quickly because several dots and nodes seemed to all converge around the same theme lately: know thyself. First I ran across this snippet of video of a movie I have not seen but it made me giggle anyway:

This might be the kind of humour that gets one cancelled these days. But what is cancel culture but folks who don’t feel comfortable in their own skin?

And then last week, Margaret Anna Alice posted this and it really moved me:

Morning Rescue

So I left this comment:

Well if this story isn’t a testament to your tender heart! Thank you, dear Margaret, your grandma’s spirit surely lives on in you. ❤️

because you really would be pressed to find someone out there who is kind even to a mouse and it reminded me of a story I was going to write last year about the time I had the unfortunate chance to discover a rat that had drowned in my backyard inflatable pool.

And not just any rat. It was a pregnant rat. Her babies came out once I turned the pool over to clean it.

This image made me infinitely sad even though city rats are a plague and we don’t want them anywhere near our houses. Especially because I find drowning to be an especially traumatic death; asphyxiation of any kind makes me start grasping for big gulps of air as if I, myself, am running out of breath. If I had seen the rat in the pool earlier, I would have saved it. I would have set it free far away from my humble abode, but I wouldn’t have let her drown and in her death throes give birth to dead babies. There is just something against nature itself about such a notion.

Speaking of nature, or more accurately, of our nature, my favorite wombat hole digger Isaac Middle had done my Wholesome Astrology Wholistic Birth Chart Reading which said I would come out of life chaos in early 2025, and so I’m leaning into it. 2024 has been messier than stuffing ten pounds of shit in a nine-pound bag. It was a pretty in-depth analysis, one which I highly recommend for anyone looking for some celestial guidance. To whet your appetite, here’s the conclusion of the Orange Moonchild series (full disclosure: I collaborated with Isaac on the video as he let me play with more AI stuff and a fun closing musical number) which really digs into Donald Trump’s astrology. I walked away thinking how this one orange baffoun of a man really knows himself rather well. You could say, he is the best con man that ever lived.

The Astrology of the Orange Moonchild

I am finally catching up on some video projects, so more stuff to watch incoming. Toying with the idea of a live stream featuring some of the collab videos made on Substack. A quick poll on taking your temperature regarding that idea:

Ok, I really wanted to try out the poll function. Check that off the list of Substack offerings yet to be utilized. Back to the post.

The theme of ‘knowing thyself’ has been on my mind for much more personal reasons. At my last birthday, I joked about how now that I’m 45, I get to make dumb and wild midlife crisis mistakes, but I also complained about how marital affairs and flash cars are just so unappealing and that 45 is pretty generous to be considered midlife because who gets to live to 90 anyway? So the universe then delivered cancer on a platter just to spit dumb and wild in my face. Touché. But midlife crises are good for one thing: evaluating your past and streamlining your future. I had a professor once that told me that she realized when she turned 28 that she would never be able to run for Miss America. Not because she was fat and walked with a cane and was born with the features of the animated goose with the blue bonnet from the Aristocats, but because she was too old to enter the competition. She had aged out. So, at one point you look at your life and you realize there are more years behind it than in front of it and you think about all your unrealized dreams and either lament and regret or you come to terms with the fact that you discovered something better along the way and perhaps you’re lucky those particular dreams didn’t really pan out. Which has been the case for me.

And all of this pondering (I would really like a pond to go with all that thinking- paging Barbara Sinclair!) made me think that my twins’ 13th birthday, the same one that had a dark cloud hanging over its head as the cancer news had just hit our house, deserved to be commemorated so my boys can enter the next big phase of their lives with intentionality. So, armed with some advice from my fellow Apocalyptomists (you know who you are!), my family and my besties (the twins’ fairy godparents) and I created a secular Coming of Age ceremony. I am pasting the speech I wrote for them which has been inspired by the philosophy of various Substack thinkers and podcasters and ending this post with a 15-minute highlight reel of the event (if you care to peek into my family life.)

Coming of Age Speech

Dear family and friends,

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sharing this day with us. If you are here, it means we consider you a part of our community and a part of our kids’ lives who soak up lessons from you as they learn how to navigate this world. 

A few years ago, Gillian had the brilliant idea (as she usually does) to have a ceremony marking the transition from Calvin and Jaxon’s childhood and adolescence to their teenage years. By doing so, not only are we all acknowledging that the next phase of their life begins but they take a very intentional step forward into shaping the life they chose for themselves. And if as humans we have the ability and opportunity to choose what our future looks like, why wouldn’t we, as they say, put our best foot forward? The empowerment that comes with knowing you are responsible for your future also nurtures a healthy sense of self. It doesn’t allow for others to tell us who we are. It provides us with the confidence to feel comfortable in our own skin. It improves our ability to distinguish between what is good and right with a sense of clarity that doesn’t rely on someone else’s judgment. 

When I was 12, my coming-of-age transition was marked by moving to an entirely different country, one whose language and customs I didn’t know, and this, perhaps, is what helped me have a bigger awareness of the world around me and the steps I was taking. But our culture in America, and really, in most Western countries around the world, has stopped acknowledging such transitions, possibly prolonging the process of intentional decision-making, even infantilizing our society in the process, stunting our own individuation and growth. Our culture does not put a high value on self-responsibility: entertainment, the education system, and even capitalism itself promote this social engineering, and our society has mostly forgotten the importance of rites of passage to mark the transition from one life stage to another. There are some cultures, of course, that still participate in coming-of-age rituals. The Mexicans have quinceañera, Jews hold bat and bar mitzvahs, Ethiopians jump over rows of cattle…These ceremonies have lasted through centuries although the public mass shavings of boys in Roman times and the send-your-boy-high-on-ayahuasca-with-a-blade-and-a-loin-cloth-up-in-the-mountains-for-three-days of the Mayans haven’t bled over in modern society. It is clear, however, that humans have a desire to mark the importance of this time period.

Because your future, Calvin and Jaxon, depends on your choices. You are powerful. You are here for something magnificent. And I don’t mean magnificent in the sense of being some movie star or something society claims is prestigious, but something magnificent to you. It is around this stage in life when you begin to question how the world works, and what reality is, and to feel that there is something that you are here to do. This transition into transcendental thinking is marked by confusion, elation, and sometimes, even nihilism, and although it continues throughout your life and can cause existential crises (as most of us can attest), now is when the search for your purpose begins. 

Now is the time when you start to get a sense that something tremendous is supposed to happen. Something more significant than the mastery of your social and material skills. And although you have your community to help guide you in your quest, this inner journey is a solo adventure. Your innate feeling that the world is different simply because you’re in it, is true. You are not here simply to survive until your death. You are not supposed to merely make a living. You’re here to live. Fully. 

Calvin: you came out first, so I am addressing you first. I’ll start with a sweet anecdote. When you guys were 5, we went to Baraboo to watch the last Barnum and Bailey circus performance with a bunch of Silent Theatre people. We camped in Chloe’s backyard in tents. In the morning, most of us were piled in her kitchen making breakfast and drinking coffee while Uncle Krzysztof was still in his tent sleeping with his shoes neatly outside his tent flap. It began to rain and while the rest of us adults gabbled away, you ran out into the rain to save Krzysztof’s shoes from getting wet. You have continued to exhibit sweet moments of conscientious action throughout the years. I’ve watched you stand up to some bullies who were giving Jaxon a hard time on the playground. I’ve seen you weep over the loss of pet rodents. I’ve seen you give away meaningful gifts to friends. You have also, from a very young age, exhibited a defiant nature. You marched at the beat of your own drum and fiercely explored the world, jumping off high points expecting the bottom to catch you. You were not an easy child to parent and I had to keep reminding myself that although rearing you was hard, this lack of compliance will serve you in the future. I have no doubt you will be a trailblazer and not only will you be dancing to the beat of your own drum, but you will inspire others to dance along too. If I have any words of advice for you, it will be to take a breath before your impulses take you off a cliff whose bottom you might underestimate. Seek counsel with those you trust and no matter what don’t ever stop sharing your big love with the world. 

Jaxon: you, on the other hand, were an incredibly amicable child and an easy one to parent. Even as a toddler, you liked sitting quietly and observing, often giving yourself an adult aura. Through the years you’ve shown us to be reliable and responsible and for a long time, there wasn’t a birthday party that we went to that I didn’t have some parent coming up and asking who's the mother of this child that just helped me clean up or just resolved some dispute between some other kids. You have always acted beyond your years, learning early on that you’ll get to hang with the adults if you can just chill and be cool. I will also share an anecdote about you. Last year, when Baba was in Bulgaria and we were feeling the strain of Frankie’s worst toddler phase and the end of the school year with all its events and the choir activities and concerts, amidst all the chaos and exhaustion, you came home from school and made baba a birthday cake, dressing it in three different types of frosting so they matched the colors of the Bulgarian flag just so you can wake Baba up at midnight (Bulgaria is 8 hours ahead) and be the first to wish her a Happy Birthday. You have always expressed joy in cooking for others and making them feel cared for. You also have a unique baby whispering ability so it comes as no surprise to me that you are such a great big brother to Frankie and the adults in this household lean on you for help when he is acting up. A couple of months ago, you showed true growth as you took on the responsibility to care for him almost every night when mom was away and dad was working as you fed him, bathed him, read him bedtime stories, and stayed with him until he fell asleep. You have forged a bond with your little brother that will remain for life. If I have any words of advice for you, it’ll be to know and understand your value and not allow your gentle disposition to be taken advantage of. Recognize your sweet nature not as a vulnerability but as a strength. It’s also ok to take some risks in life and live in unpredictability, you have the pillars of reason to prop up your intuition. 

Luckily for you guys, your challenges in life happen to be each others’ strong suits. Calvin’s impulses can be made more thoughtful by Jaxon’s counsel and Jaxon’s risk-taking can be nudged by Calvin. So, if you keep to your wombmate bond, you two should make a fine pair. What a treat to have a built-in best friend for life!  

As a parting from your childhood, I’d like to revisit the mantras we used to say at bedtime when you guys were little. Because words are spells that we cast into the world, I hope these mantras continue to fill up with more meaning for you as you get older. Here we go. (I really hope you still remember them.)

What is love? (The only answer.)

What are you made out of? (Star stuff.)

Who is Calvin? (Twin brother and best friend.)

Who is Jaxon? (Twin brother and best friend.)

What are you guys? (Wizards and jedis.) 

What is happiness? (An inside job.)

How do we treat others? (There are no others.)

It’s better to be? (Kind than clever.)

You don’t have to be? (A master of everything. But you have to be a master of something.)

Always live life? (With a purpose.)

Everything is? (Possible.)

If you wish or want something? (Plant a seed.)

The choices you make? (Change your future.)

What’s law number four? (Don’t say no, go with the flow.)

If you wish to get something? (Give it.)

Enjoy? (The journey.)

You are here? (For a reason.)

Where are you? (Here and now.)

Don’t forget who loves you.

I am EVER so proud to be your mother. 

We started doing these mantras when you were Frankie’s age. I am hoping that as time goes by, they will bring on more complex existential thoughts and will be part of your spiritual journey. Because when people are entrapped in the state of spiritual bankruptcy, they have a void - an empty, painful sense of loneliness or inadequacy - and that causes them to think they need to fill it with something external. This bring me to my favorite Aaron Diaz quote:

“For reasons unexplained, every person in the world is born with a large gaping hole in the center of their chest...while not uncomfortable, it is widely considered unsightly, and pretty much everyone tries to fill it with something...some people fill it with religion, others just buy a bunch of stuff, and some even fill it with other folks...I left mine alone, though, because I found out if you run against the wind at just the right angle, it makes a whistling noise.”

Coming of Age signifies a new role within your community, a phase that changes from innocence to that of a protector of innocence, an understanding that accountability for the choices you make in life is part of that choice. Coming of Age is significant and should not only be taken up with seriousness but also with much celebratory fanfare. It is to be honored and congratulated. I am very grateful to have Gillian and Krzysztof as the esteemed fairy godparents for Calvin and Jaxon and so without further yapping from me, I’m going to turn it over to dada Nick. Thank you.

This was the invitation to our community:

It was (even if I do say so myself) a most memorable day.

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As always, thank you for being a part of my journey.